HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!!!!!/Camping Trip

So yep, first thing’s first today. I gotta give a shout out to my sister Amy as today’s her birthday! Big up’s, Amy! Hope you’re having a fantastamanastic day!

But all right, that’s really the only reasoning behind this post. Just wanted to show my sister some love today. But there’s no way that I can drop a post that’s this unbelievably short. Just doesn’t seem American. There be a lot of things I could talk about here that would seem relatively poignant/relevant to my life right now (i.e. the election, the fact that this town is comprised of nothing but hills, the notion of putting on new socks for the first time, etc.), but I want to make sure this post gets up today as today is pretty much the only day that’s going to be my sister’s birthday for at least the next year or so.

And since I got a boatload of stuff on tap for the rest of the day, I'll share some other stories/thoughts like those another day. For now I’m just a-gonna take the easy way out. This will be done by sharing with you a little story that I wrote a couple months back about this camping trip that I took up to the great area around Nevis, Minnesota with some of the most awesomest people evers. This was originally a part of a letter I wrote to my brother from another mother, Phil, who had been at basic training at the time of the happenings. I enjoy this little thing here quite a bit, so hey, why the frigg not share it with the world, I say. So anyways, what follows is a somewhat embellished summary of the first couple hours of the first day of our camping trip. Included are some helpful footnotes, but don’t read them until the end of the story. It has been censored quite a bit for the viewing public, though. Not that I really believe in this idea, but again, my grandma might read this. Have fun trying to guess what I actually changed. Make it a game [Ages 8 - infinity. *WARNING* Choking Hazard. Not for children under 8.].

*begin story*

The four unsuspecting kids rolled down the muddy road on the tail of a recently passed thunderstorm in their great, big Envoy; it was a beautiful sight. A silver mist rose from the ground encompassing the surrounding area in an eerie fog. Sliding to a stop in front of Whispering Pines Park and Resort, they found the place to be deserted.
“We’re all going to die,” said our hero Aaron to his cohorts.
“Yeah, but there’s no way we’ll be the first ones to die,” replied the always comical Erik,
“True dat, as the ones who understand that we’re actually in a movie, we’ll definitely survive for a while.”
“Plus, we’re just too smurfin’ funny.”
“I’m going to check out the office and see if there’s anyone in there,” said the ever-so-short Carolyn as she jumped out of the vehicle and walked toward the rundown pseudo-cabin to our left. A suction-like noise followed her with every step as she trounced through the mud.
“Looks like she’ll be the first to go,” said Erik.
“Better her than us,” I retorted.
“Huh… Stevie’s not answering her phone,” reported the lovable character Tom from inside the great, big Envoy.

“Here it goes, Erik. It’s going down. We should probably go with Carolyn just to ensure that she doesn’t die this early.”
“Yeah, good call.” The three of us exited the great, big Envoy cautiously and peered around the campsite. There was no movement anywhere. A dozen or so seemingly abandoned campers, three faded-green, poorly kept bunkhouses, and one ill-maintained road circumnavigating the area were the only signs of civilization to be found amongst the decaying trees and menacing lake to our right. The green-gray sky cast a threatening glow on the entirety of the place. We heard a noise coming from the office and quickly turned our attention back to the returning Carolyn and asked for her results.
“There’s no one there,” she said. “I think we’re alone.” Upon opening the door to vehicle, suddenly a piece of debris rocketed off said door barely missing her[1]. She stumbled back away from the scene in shock.
“What the SMURF was that?!” I said. “How in the blue smurf did something smurf with the great, big Envoy in the 8 seconds we were outside of it?”
“Dude, it’s hitting the fan already,” Erik replied. “All right, screw this. Aaron and I are going to take a walk around this place and see what’s up. You guys keep trying to call Stevie. Maybe call Holly too. I’d tell you to call Sara and Bryan, but yeah… they suck at owning cellphones.”
“Ok,” said Carolyn.
As I walked away, I leaned toward her and whispered, “This is on you; it’s up to you to keep Tom alive.” She nodded her agreement as we walked down the muddy road into the heart of the camp.
“Dude, this is seriously like a horror movie,” he said.
“I know, right. It’s just like Friday the 13th. Pretty much Camp Crystal Lake going on right here. Smurf, tomorrow actually IS Friday the 13th. That’s smurfing smurf[2].”

As we continued down the trail we were startled by a noise coming from the lake to our right. I shifted my sight toward the direction of the noise. “You here that, bro?” I asked.
“It’s a boat!” replied the stud that is Erik Dikken.
“Holy crap, it is! It’s going pretty slow, though.”
“I… don’t think anyone’s driving it.”
“Schnikes, you’re right!” We watched on as this unmanned, water vessel ominously and slowly traveled across the lake. “There’s seriously no one in there[3].”
“A bit creepy.”
“Guys!” yelled Carolyn as she and Tom came down the road in the great, big Envoy. “We got a hold of Stevie. She’s almost here, but she’s kind of lost. You talk to her.” She handed the phone off to Erik as I explained to Tom the happenings of the boat.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yeah, it’s right over there,” I said as I turned my gaze toward the body of water.
“There’s nothing there.”
“No… there’s not,” I replied. I looked over at Erik and pointed to the lake, but he was already aware of its non-existence as he was staring at it and trying to describe it to the easily frightened character that is Christina “Stevie” Haubrich.

He shook his head at it all and got back to business with her. “Ok,” he said, “keep driving. We’re going to come to the road to get you.”
“Stay strong, Tom,” I said as Erik and I started walking back to the mist covered road.
“Ok, you need to turn around and come the other way,” he said to Stevie as I watched a white car turn and come over the hill in the distance. “I think I see you.” The car pulled up to us and rolled down its window.
“Stevie! You’re alive!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, of course, I’m not going to be the first one to die.”
“Yeah, your being the screamer, you’ll have to live for at least a bit,” said Erik.
We all laughed nervously at that as she drove into the camp while we walked behind. Carolyn playing the role of Debbie Downer decided to kill the little bit of joy we were experiencing due to Stevie’s arrival by stating, “Guys, I’m worried about Sara and Bryan. They left at the same time we did, and MapQuest said that their trip should take just as long as ours. We’ve been here for like an hour now.”
“Friggin’ A, this would be a lot easier if they actually had cellphones,” I said.
“Yeah, no smurf,” replied Erik.
“No… smurf…?” asked Stevie in a ridiculous manner[4].
We all stared perplexed at Stevie for a moment before Carolyn jumped in saying, “All right, let’s drive around the camp to see if we can find the camper that Holly left for us last week when she was here with her parents.”
“Ok,” said Stevie as we all hopped into the great, big Envoy.
“Watch out for the muffins!” yelled Carolyn as Stevie barreled into the vehicle and almost landed on the treats.
“What kind of muffins are they?” asked Erik.
“Rhubarb,” she stated.
“Frigg! I gave rhubarb up for Lent!” I exacerbated.
“No, you didn’t.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. Can I have one?”
“No! You and Erik made fun of them on the way up and flipped over a bunch of them.”
“We only did that to three of them,” he said, “and to be fair, they were smurfing off.” Carolyn sighed and started the great, big Envoy down the path. A short distance down it we were surprised by the sight of an actual person.
“Holy bear on a tricycle!” I yelled. “A human!” The man stood in the path wearing a pair of faded jeans and an old wife-beater while washing his car with a hose. He paid no attention to us at all.

“Is he alive?” asked Tom.
“I think he’s some sort of zombie-robot,” I said.
“Better that than a velociraptor,” Erik retorted.
“Guys, you should seriously go walk and see if you can find Sara and Bryan. Just go down the road for a bit. Nevis isn’t very far,” said Carolyn[5]. “We’ll keep looking for Holly’s camper and try to set it up once we find it.”
“Solid,” I said. “Let’s go rep that, Erik.”
“Money.”
“But I’m jacking a muffin before I go,” I said as I snatched one. We jumped out of the beautiful sight that was the great, big Envoy and left Tom, Carolyn, and Stevie to their own devices.
I looked over to Erik as we walked down the path out of the camp and asked, “Hey, Erik, you want to know how I know that I’m going to get murdered this weekend?” Before he got a chance to reply, I threw my muffin wrapper on the ground and laughed.
“Dude, you just ensured your death and probably mine by association.”
“Haha! Yeah, we’ll see how this works out for us.” We made it to the road shortly thereafter and pondered our situation. “Well, man, I’m not going to lie, I’d be pretty surprised if we got taken out on this walk. Who’d be able to document the experience then?” I asked as I finished the delectable muffin.
“True. We’re probably ok with everything right now,” he said. “Let’s keep on moving.” The road was ri-smurfulously muddy and moderately treacherous as we meandered along it. The portentous mist loomed on either side of us, almost glaring at the amazing characters that Erik and I are.
“What the smurf?” asked Erik. “Is that a car over there?” We gandered over into the haze to see what appeared to be a forsaken white beetle lying dormant next to a dead tree off in the distance. “That’s encouraging,” he sarcastically quipped. We walked on.
Suddenly, an inhuman laugh stopped me dead in my tracks. It billowed throughout the area; it continued on for what seemed to be an eternity. I looked over at Erik who had appeared to be unaffected by it. “What the frigg?!” I asked.
“I don’t know, man, just pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Good call[6].”
We were nearing the edge of the gravel road, right before it turned back into pavement when a truck, driving toward us, passed by. Erik and I both watched it as its brake lights came on. The car slid to an abrupt stop only feet from us. A man leaned out the window and peered at us. Balding, stocky, sporting a goatee, and rocking some flannel, he looked like Larry the Cable Guy’s doppelganger. “You guys need a ride?” he asked in an inviting but yet creepy tone.
“No, thanks,” replied Erik.
“We’re good, sir,” I stated.
“Ok,” he said as he drove off.
“Wow, that was creepy,” said Erik[7].
“Yeah, that guy looked suspiciously like Larry the Cable Guy, and there ain’t NO way I’m getting into a truck with that. Not to mention the hungry look on his face.” *aside* THIS guy is yet ANOTHER reason why everyone hates Americans

“I know, right. Not happening. We’re probably pretty close to Nevis anyway[8]. We’re already back on the pavement.”
“Yeah, good call. There’s that little proprietorship that freaked Carolyn out on the way here that sells all those disturbing little wooden cutouts and interesting pinwheels.” We looked over at the place and the hundred or so awkward, little knick knacks that littered the lawn; people, ducks, bears, and many other animals and objects were strewn all about.

Our attention then shifted to the car that was driving past us, going our way. “Dude,” I asked, “is that the guy who was washing his car at the camp?”
“Yeah, that’s totally him. Looks like he’s wisely getting the crap out of here.”
I shook my head at it all and reached into my pocket to check the time on my phone when I realized I had a missed call. I took it out. “Hm, Tom called me. See what he wants,” I said as I called him back.”
“Hello,” answered Tom.
“Dude, you know that guy who was washing his car all weirdly at camp?”
“Yeah, what about him?”
“Did he leave? I swear Erik and I just saw him in that very car on the road.”
“No, he’s still here. At least he was when we left. There’s no way he could’ve driven past you guys[9].”
I looked over at Erik and shook my head. “Ok… well, what’s up, man?”
“We’re coming to get you guys. We need to go to Nevis and get some stuff.”
“Ok, we’re just on the pavement by that little shop dealy that disconcerted Carolyn on the way here.”
“All right, we’re almost there. Give us a sec.”
“Sounds good. Laters.” I hung up my phone and looked over to Erik. “They’re coming to get us. Should be here shortly.”
“Ok, well, we’ll just keep going.”
“Yeah, legit.”
Suddenly, a rustling noise was heard in the fog to our left. “Whoa. What was that?” Erik asked.
“Holy smurf!” Something’s moving in the mist[10].
“What the smurf is it?!” I yelled.
“It’s big! Move!” We bolted to the other side of the road into the menacing mist to avoid the creature[11].
I could hear the footsteps and the inhuman shriek of the creature as we bounded through the tall grass. Then over it all, I could hear what sounded like a car horn. The great, big Envoy! Oh, what a beautiful sight! “There they are! Run!” We jetted toward it as fast we could. The great, big Envoy screeched to a halt right in front of us. We whipped open its doors as fast as we could and jumped in.

“GO GO GO GO!!!!!!,” yelled Erik as we slammed the doors shut.
“Watch out for the muffins!” exclaimed Carolyn[12].
“SMURF THE MUFFINS! GO!!!!!
“Why?”
“Creature!” we both roared.
“What?”
“GOOOOOO!”
Carolyn finally figured it out and hit the gas to get us out of there. I looked back to see something slink back into the mist. I let out a sigh of relief, glad that I was back in the sanctity that was the great, big Envoy[13].
*Footnotes*

[1] Ok, maybe it didn’t “rocket” out, but something fell off her door.
[2] SPOONERISM! Well... originally it was... The effect is kind of lost in this version :-)
[3] Yeah, for realsies. A pilotless boat.
[4] Ok, this didn’t actually happen. Stevie didn’t really say that.
[5] We later found out that Nevis is 6.3 miles from camp.
[6] Turns out it was inhuman as it was a horse. We found this out as the noise turned into a “nay” shortly thereafter. We also spotted some as well to confirm our thoughts.
[7] Indeed
[8] A little over 4 miles, unbeknownst to us.
[9] He actually wasn’t sure if he’d left or not. Carolyn thought he had.
[10] No, there wasn’t.
[11] We actually saw the great, big Envoy and decided to run across the road to freak them out a bit. Mission sort of accomplished.
[12] She actually said that.
[13] Yeah, this doesn’t belong here, but whatevs, turns out the Sara and Bryan hit some wicked traffic and were just late. They were at the camp by the time we got back. That doesn’t change the fact that they should get cellphones, though.

*end story*

So yeah, I realize that the plot and everything in this mess I wrote is WAY rushed and there’s not nearly enough detail involved in terms of anything, but hey, I wrote this relatively quickly AND it’s part of a letter. Not a novel, kiddies. Not to mention that nobody's going to understand this really except for the people who were there, but meh. So don’t hate. Congratulate.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!!! Sorry for wasting your time with a crappy story! :-)